Why God why?

May 22, 2012 at 2:49 PM (Uncategorized)
Tags: , , , ,

Since I was in Kindergarten to the moment of my confirmation, I was attending catechism on Monday evenings.  Learning stories from the bible, but not actually learning much about anything when it comes to faith and what you believe.  I was always fascinated by stories, but after a couple of years the classes became more of a punishment than anything.  It was like an extra hour of school every week only you didn’t feel like you learned anything.

Like school, they had parent teacher conferences.  Only in a group setting, with videos and stuff.  My mom talked to me about it once.  They showed her this video about this kid.  I couldn’t tell you the details, but long story short this child was hit by a semi-truck completely out of the blue.  My mom told me that she stayed back after all the parents left and asked the educator (a nun? a parishoner? a volunteer?) about the point of it all–why it had to be like that.  She had a dilemma: if God is all-powerful and all-good, where was God in that accident?  If God was all-good, he would’ve wanted to stop that accident but couldn’t.  If God is all-powerful, clearly he could’ve stopped that accident but chose not to.  The two key facets were in direct opposition.  She asked me what I thought.  After some thinking,  I figured that maybe God chose not to intervene because we have free will.  That that truck driver had a choice and chose poorly and although God could’ve forced him to change, then it would’ve been meaningless.  It made sense to my 8 year-old brain.  That idea stuck with me though.  God is present and leaves the actions of man to man and will do as much as he can to influence those changes but is ultimately not responsible.  I forgot about this conversation until recently when I had to ask “Where is God in all this?”

On March 23, my older brother, Jack, was in a car accident.  He was close to home, driving a route he knew very well at 1 in the morning in a deserted neighborhood.  We don’t know why it happened–if he had fallen asleep, or he was texting, or an animal ran out in front of him–but his car went off the road. He was going too fast.  His car hit the curb and went airborne, missing a tree, hitting a fire hydrant which spiraled the car into another tree.  That tree hit the driver’s side directly and the impact turned my brother’s brain into scrambled eggs.   He was rushed to hospital and put in intensive care.  I was at school 3 hours away when I got the call.  When I finally got there, after hours of praying while some one else drove, I got to the hospital.  A few hours later, he was declared brain-dead. He was still warm, still technically alive, heck, he even had some reflexive movement.  If he was kept on life support, he would live. But what they told us is that even if he woke up, a miracle in of itself, he wouldn’t be himself.  The impact totaled the part of the brain that controls personality and memory. He would never be able to speak again.   He would never be Jack again. And although my brother’s heart stopped on the 24th at 8am, he was dead long before that.

Why was my older brother dead at 22?  Why was dead now  just as things were looking the brightest they had ever been?  He had a serious girlfriend, he had returned to college and was enjoying his classes.  He was the happiest that anyone had ever seen him. And all of a sudden…poof.

The question kept coming back, “Where was God, and why did he see it fit to steal my brother from me?”  It’s all well and good to talk about the freedom of choice and that God can only do so much, but it’s not comforting to someone who suddenly lost a young relative.  What fatal choice did my brother make?  What could he have done differently?  This mentality puts the blame on the victim, on the other people and family.  It’s a cruel rationale and it didn’t make me feel better.  I heard some people said that “God needed a new angel”, but that’s not comforting at all.  If God needed a new angel, why did it have to be my brother?  If God needed a new angel and he took my brother for his own purposes, that almost makes him a monster.  It hurts to think that God needed my brother to die for his great big cosmic plan.  Maybe there is no reason. Maybe there is no great big cosmic force that leads us to be the best we can be.  Maybe we are, in fact, alone and God has simply let the world go to seed.

But I realize now where God was, even if I don’t know why.

God was there when the car crashed and somebody heard and called 911. He was there at the hospital when they got him stabilized.  He was in the waiting room–there must have been 20 people, not including my family, there for my brother.  The nurses, the Gift of Life people, the folks at the wake, the funeral.  God was there. And though I didn’t recognize it then, I see it now.  There was a purpose to my brother’s death.  When Jack donated his organs, he spread life.  His liver saved a 14 year old boy from death–that boy would’ve died if Jack had lived.  His kidneys went to a young woman and an older man.  His corneas gave another person sight.  His bone marrow will help treat little kids.  My brother’s life is being given to people we haven’t met.  Maybe that was his purpose.

I still miss him.  I still wish that he wasn’t dead.  I’d give up anything to have him back. And although I’m going through a difficult time with my faith right now and trying to reestablish what it is I believe in, there is some comfort in knowing that my brother’s organs make a difference.

God is somewhere. My brother is there too.

Leave a Comment

And then there was politics.

January 29, 2012 at 4:23 PM (Uncategorized)
Tags: , , , , ,

My dear, dear friends, normally I wouldn’t ask this of you, but please. Be offended. Be offended and talk to everyone you know about it too. About what you may ask? Well, have a look:

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2012/01/26/newt-gingrich-gay-marriage-_n_1234955.html

It’s pretty simple: marriage is between a man and a woman. This is a historic doctrine driven deep into the Bible, both in the Old Testament and in the New Testament, and it’s a perfect example of what I mean by the rise of paganism. The effort to create alternatives to marriage between a man and a woman are perfectly natural pagan behaviors, but they are a fundamental violation of our civilization.

 

Not only does he sound like a complete idiot when it comes to his opinion, he wants to enforce his brainless opinions in office. It really wouldn’t be AS bad if he just wanted to go create more jobs and work on that sort of thing, as he discussed in his response when a gay man asked him why he should vote for Gingrich (to which he responded don’t, vote for Obama, I’m here to focus on jobs). If that was the truth, it wouldn’t be AS bad. We’ve had plenty of jerks (even assholes) filling the position of President of the United States of America.

However. He wants to enforce his opinions on the American people. If you look at the link, you can see his plans. And hit google and do a search for his actual speeches and discussions on this matter. Articles can try to sway your opinion, but they can’t change HIS words.

Please people, do not vote for this man. Help us make a better future for America. A real American future, where everyone is free to be who they are as the law says we should be able to.

– Cami

Leave a Comment

The Meaning of the Christian Pagan (well, of THIS Christian Pagan)

January 13, 2012 at 11:41 AM (Spiritual Traveling)
Tags: , , , , ,

I know I’ve posted on this topic before, but I’ve had more time to figure out just what this title means to me. And it means a lot.

Mostly, my revelations have come because of the interfaith conference and having to explain myself. No one thinks that those two titles can be combined seeing as Christians have waged war on paganism for pretty much all of time. But this makes me bring up a very important point:

I am not every other Christian!! I am my own person. I hate being forced to read the Bible in a certain way, and I don’t always agree (strike that…I almost NEVER agree) with what people on the pulpit say. I’m not a fan of people blindly following without educating themselves in ANY department, but it’s most frustrating in religion. I know far too many people that go to church and just rely on what the preacher says. I bet you could convince most of them that “Jesus then said ‘fuck you stupid bitch!!’ and went on his merry way.” Ok, that’s an exaggeration. But they are extremely blind.

I see the afterlife aspect as just one part of our existence, not the whole reason we’re living. Nothing says we can’t be happy to be alive! We just aren’t supposed to weigh ourselves down with love and adoration of the physical things because they are not eternal. Cool. I can deal with that. But I’m not going to live my whole life waiting to die!

This is where my paganism comes into play. We are also part of the earth and the world around us. We need to respect and love our natural planet. Thank the world for not ending, you know? Be happy in our world, and love the nature that we came from…All of that pagan stuff. 🙂

I don’t see the earth as a deity. I see it as an ever changing, living thing (don’t argue that rocks aren’t alive or have never been alive; they are made up of cells, the building blocks of all living things). I see the great spirit, God, as the deity. (Many religion quizzes like to tell me that I’m Jewish because I don’t see the trinity as three separate entities.) I also see them as working together (God and the Earth, and, at a greater distance, the great universe out beyond Earth) to make our world, universe, and the beyond, all one reality.

I really hope that makes things a bit clearer for anyone who has questions. And please, feel free to rapid-fire me with more questions should you feel the need.

-Cami

Leave a Comment

The Sheet Music

January 12, 2012 at 10:03 PM (Uncategorized)
Tags: , ,

– (title and content inspired by an Eboo Patel speech earlier today :D)

Day one at the interfaith conference, and already my brain is spiraling for things to write about (that DON’T pertain to my complaints of how the Sims 3 updates won’t download…). Naturally, it’s only fitting to start with my thoughts on some things said at our dinner speech today.

Essentially, Eboo Patel summed up both the press and the interfaith group in the form of song lyrics. We see news all the time about how people of different religions are always going to fight and how there is just no feasible way for them to get along. It’s just what they do. It’s ‘natural.’ As he said (directly) – “Society prints religious ignorance.”

You know it’s true. It’s something we see on a daily basis.

It leads people to believe that there is no way we can ever really have peace. It breeds apathy, and a huge lack of caring and lack of hope.

Our goal in interfaith is to write and publish and sing different lyrics.

To remind the world that those stereotypes don’t have to be reality.

But there’s another problem we face. It’s that not everyone, even in interfaith, knows what they’re doing. AND there is a huge hurtle we have to leap, that being actually talking about it. We’ve made religion into an extremely uncomfortable topic, ostracizing the devout and ostracizing the loose and those who are searching and those that know…Everyone suffers. So many are quiet. The ones that are the loudest are those that aren’t afraid to be heard. Unfortunately, the loud ones don’t tend to be the people we should be listening to (Westboro Baptist Church anyone?).

So where do we go from here?

We talk.

We talk, we talk, we talk. We are all humans, and we can’t let things like this divide us. Besides, most religions tell us to love one another, to care for each other. Not to rip each other to shreds because we’re different.

That’s our goal here. At the conference that is. To learn how to tell other people about it.

(And you can check out my other blog for how this feels pertaining to my Christian background.)

– Cami

Leave a Comment

De-stressing

November 14, 2011 at 5:50 PM (Better Living)
Tags: ,

For me and Crim, using the term ‘de-stress’ means ‘do things that will help you procrastinate so you can stress more later.’ Please, please folks, do NOT follow our example. We’ll look at our workload and put it away to play games or slack off in any other numbers of ways…this is not the appropriate way to handle stress!

Note: As an aside, I feel the need to point out why I’m not putting this on my regular blog. Why the Pagan/religious blog? Mainly, it’s because stress is a big part of life, not just for us college kids but for anyone. It’s very prominent in religion, too. Stressors can come from religion, but religion can also help break them. And…this blog actually has views. 😀

1. Get enough sleep and eat a balanced diet.

Got a headache? Do this. Sad? Do this. Stressed? Do this. You’ll see this all the time, and this is key to getting a better life. Cut back on the stuff that’s bad for you, have a piece of fruit once in a while, and make sure to get more than eight hours of sleep as often as possible. The less sleep you get, the more you start stressing. Among other things. So this is key number one!

(And to anyone in college, I understand. This is not feasible! Just try your hardest.)

2. Don’t you dare procrastinate!

At least, not with everything. Work on it little by little, break it into more manageable chunks. Paper to write? Figure out how many days you have left, divide the number of words you have by that number, and there is how many words you need to write each day. Granted, make sure to give yourself at least one whole day for editing. Also, try to pass up that number if you can so you get done sooner. The sooner you get done, the less stress you have on your shoulders.

Also, make sure you know when all of your deadlines are. Walking into class and being told ‘hey that paper is due today!’ is never a good thing to hear when you thought it was due next week.

3. Socialize.

Don’t hole yourself up somewhere until you crack. I’ve done this. It’s not pretty. Go out and get dinner, talk to your roommate for a little while, maybe set up counseling appointments so that you have a planned hour each week to talk to someone. Don’t trade all socialization for your work. Even after the work is done you’ll still be in a bad place, and you don’t want to be there.

4. Meditation

I love meditation. Find someplace comfy, cross your legs (make sure to be sitting up so you don’t fall asleep, since you’re already so stressed out all you want to do is sleep all day), close your eyes, and meditate however it is that you do that. Deep breathing, empty minds, pretty music…

Make sure to set yourself an alarm for less than half an hour, or pick a few songs that add up to less than half an hour (and when the playlist is done, you finish your meditation).

5. Take a nap.

I know I just said don’t sleep, but do! Just not…not for twelve or more hours as I tend to do sometimes. No, just a power nap. Set an alarm for thirty minutes and curl up in bed. It’s ok if you don’t actually sleep, just make sure to close your eyes and clear that mind of yours! Actually, this could be seen as another form of meditation, just with the illusions of sleeping…

6. A little organization doesn’t hurt.

Some people really get an urge to clean sometimes, and that could be because the space they’re in isn’t productive towards what they should be doing. It’s ok, take some time out and organize your desk, put away your clothes, sweep the floor. Your mind will be more at ease.

This one also goes towards getting your schedule organized. For me, I take all of my syllabi and write all the important dates (paper due dates and exams, for example) into my schedule book early on in the year. If you haven’t done that, or if you don’t have a planner, you should try it. That way everything is in one place and you can just flip to it if you need to know “should I work on my Confucius paper first, or should I write those sonnets for The Renaissance Author first?”

All-in-all, I hope everyone, even with all of the stress, has a great week before the American tradition of Thanksgiving. One last bit of advice…if you hate stress, stay indoors next Friday. Those shoppers are MEAN….

-Cami

1 Comment

In the Night

November 1, 2011 at 9:52 AM (Holiday Chatter)
Tags: , , , , ,

As the sun set on ‘Halloween,’ Crim and I ran over to the campus store to purchase (with our pitiful food points) the makings of…well…A college made feast. Can’t expect it to be too epic. We had mashed potatoes, rice, and pumpkin spiced milk. I had tomato soup, since no one else wanted to delve into that with me. We also had sour cream and cheese that Crim and I beat into our potatoes until they were less bland.

We had…well, three places set out, but multiple more guests in attendance. Two humans, six animals. Rice isn’t good for them, but its not as bad in the spirit world, I would hope.

I know my Bandit said goodbye last night. However, I don’t know if my father came…But someone did. Someone I didn’t recognize. Probably mid-twenties, definitely more strongly northern-European than my father. He was much paler.

But he enjoyed dinner.

So friend, whoever you might be, thank you for coming. (And not being super scary when I had to wander back to my room alone last night.)

The bonfire we had planned for last weekend didn’t happen because people were sick and it rained. But things worked out well anyway. For our lack of available food (it was Halloween, of course there was no food in the store!) and fire, I think we managed a very nice dinner.

I can still feel that sensation from last night though, and I think I want to hang onto it for a while. Someone was really happy with what we did.

So Crim, Lumi, thank you for indulging me in my ignorances last night, and I hope we can do this again next year.

-Cami

1 Comment

Where We Make a Home

October 31, 2011 at 2:36 PM (Uncategorized)

As you will come to know, on Earth Spirit and on my personal blog, I am a big lover of music. Any music really. I try my best not to discriminate. Now there are some types of music that I’m not exactly keen on listening to (yes, I’m looking at you Disco) but for the sake of being fair, I still try my hand at different types and styles of music. Music is a wonderful form of expression. A simple melody can convey so much more than what spoken words could. Even lyrics can explain more than what we could bother to construct in our daily lives. I have a tattoo actually that is based off my love for music. It’s on my upper left shoulder and I think it says a lot about who I am as a person and how important music is to me.

My first tattoo

A couple of days ago, a South Korean rapper released his solo album (he teased us with the song Airbag beforehand) to great praise. I do mean, great praise. He’s known for his talent and the first part of his album definitely shows that. So I decided to listen to more of it and stumbled upon a song that I think would hit home with anyone who has had a bout of depression. Not so ironically, the title of the song is “Home.”

I feel the need to share it with you. It brings up a topic that seems quite hush hush in today’s society. Depression is not a game nor should it be taken lightly. I have Borderline Personality Disorder and can completely relate to this song. Depression does become a home. It does. But does it always have to be? Can the depressed get out of such a state?

Most, at the very least, say that you can. But those people tend to be the same who experience a small bout and never completely understand how depression can take hold of a life and kill it.  They will tell you that it’s easy. That only you have the power to pull yourself out of it. To be optimistic.

I’ve heard that a lot in my years when people began to realize that I did have a mental illness/ personality disorder. It’s something I heard almost any time I told someone part of my life story. People make it look easy. People make it seem easy. I don’t think anything is as hard or as taxing as waking up in the morning, putting a smile on your face and having to trudge through the day even though you feel like everything in you is broken.

It’s hard but not completely unbearable. I think, as a delve more into my faith and belief, I’ve found some pockets of relief from the sadness and the pain. Finding something to believe in, something to give me strength, it’s helped. I still have my times when I lose a bit of faith but then I receive a bit of a sign from the gods/goddesses watching over me and I feel a little less alone and sad. They became the permanent guests in my little “home” and I’m thankful that they decided to stay.

So enjoy Tablo’s music. Enjoy the message of it. But remember, the divine is with you and in you. The divine will understand.

Leave a Comment

Meditating on Regret

October 25, 2011 at 8:46 PM (Holiday Chatter, Spiritual Traveling)
Tags: , , , , , , , ,

As my spirits lift with the new week (and with the approaching holiday), I feel a need to…share. Last week I was terrified and depressed to the point of sickness over the events that were occurring (trailing right after the death of my rattie boy, Bandit). Tuesday or Wednesday I started pulling web pages on self-forgiveness, because that was part of the problem and I knew it. I had made a mistake and it was tearing me apart. Sure I was mad at the immaturity that followed my mistake, but I couldn’t get past blaming myself and hating myself for what I’d done.

There was one page that had a very good strategy set up, but they have since changed what was on it so I can’t link you back to it if you want to check it out. However, I will outline my meditation here for you.

First, taking a breath in full of good, clean air. Then breathing out all of the toxins that filled the body. Do this until the mind is clear. Repeat for every step as you meditate on it to remove the negative energies.

Step one. Name the problem. Why is there regret or guilt in the soul? What is weighing you down and holding you back?

Step two. Allow yourself to grieve. It hurts, a lot, when we make mistakes and when we hurt someone. Step back, accept the mistake, and grieve over the fact that it happened. When you come to terms with yourself, move on.

Step three. Figure out what led to this. This is different from defining the problem in that, through this step, you find out why the problem occurred. For me, the roots of mine come from how easy it is to feel secure on the internet (no one really reads this stuff, right?) as well as the family influences I’ve had of people doing things without thinking when they’re angry. The Ny-Quil certainly didn’t help, either (and taught me a good lesson – never get on the laptop after taking medicine). It is important to realize what caused the problem, since it has caused you so much grief, and work to resolve it. It won’t be easy, but change can happen. It helps to ask friends to spot-check you to make sure you don’t fall back into acting in the manner that led to this problem. It also helps to meditate on these things, as I did and am continuing to do, to check in with your own self.

Step four. Apologize and/or make amends. Depending on the situation, it can be as simple as saying ‘I was stupid, I’m sorry.’ Other times, it takes much more, such as community service for a misdemeanor like trashing someone’s yard. Depending on your belief, you might say a prayer to your deity (or deities). It all depends on your beliefs. In meditation, if you don’t want to break to find the people you have wronged just yet, then apologize to yourself and promise yourself to apologize later to the others. Self-forgiveness is extremely important if you’re going to move on from this. It won’t be as easy as it is in the movies, though. Which leads to the next part:

Step five. Accept the consequences. You can’t account for other people, don’t try to. Just strive for a better tomorrow. Some people are going to be really hurt by things done to them and an apology won’t fix things instantly. You’ll have to work to earn back what was destroyed. Sometimes things can’t ever be fixed (I hope that this is only in the case of extreme circumstances, but extreme is a different level to every individual mind). All you can do is keep on living. Tomorrow will come. Embrace it for what it is. A new day.

Step six. Recognize what you’ve learned. If this guilt creeps back on you and tries to bring you down again, turn your mind to the lessons learned. We make mistakes so we can learn and become better. These mistakes are going to follow you, but, as a wise baboon once said, ‘you can either run from it, or…learn from it.’

Breathe in the good clean air, and breathe out the toxins. Breathe in, breathe out.

These steps might take more than a single session of meditation. You could spend whole separate sequences meditating on each piece if you wanted to. However, I have found them extremely freeing. My mind has been freed to think of things other than what was upsetting me. Granted, the troubles in your life are not always going to be caused by you (people will do you wrong, just as you can do them wrong), but getting past guilt and regret can be a good chunk of the burden.

I wish you well in your endeavors and happiness in your life (especially on those Mondays when getting out of bed is nearly impossible).

– Cami

edit: Ok, I found one of the links I used that actually really closely follows what I talked about here. It’s not the one that I focused on when I did this, but I think this is the one I was drawing from when I wrote this.

http://www.wikihow.com/Overcome-Serious-Regrets

Leave a Comment

Ignoring homework right before class

October 25, 2011 at 9:08 AM (Uncategorized)

I thought I’d come on here and see that nothing had changed and the blog was begging for a new post. Well, it has changed but this also leaves it begging for more. I popped in right before class (when I should be reading, as the title indicates) to see Nadia’s latest. Reading through it I had to chuckle at parts because it just sounded so…well, it sounded like me.

Ok, now that we know I’m completely bonkers let me explain why.

Even if I don’t believe in what she does, I can relate to it. That’s the wonderful thing about being human, we don’t have to hold the exact same ideas to get along. Seeing that brightened my day and made me start to think of all I have to be thankful for, and considering I didn’t even want to get out of bed this morning that says a lot. No matter how much things seem to be going wrong I always have my friends and family who love me no matter what.

I’ve been feeling rather overwhelmed this last week in particular, between my normal course work and one of my pet rats being on medication for myco. Maybe it’s time I take a step back from all this, breathe, and realize that no matter how much it doesn’t seem like it…life goes on.

Maybe I’ll add more to this later, but for now…I’m going to fail my quiz if I don’t get this reading done XD

 

~Crimsette

1 Comment

What are you to me?

October 24, 2011 at 8:47 PM (Uncategorized)

Because I am a lazy bum who cannot be bothered to write more than one post, I was taking a look at Facebook.  In particular, I stumbled across a friend of mine from high school.  We had been involved in a number of plays, and although we were both Catholic, she was much more involved in faith activities than me.  In fact, I know a lot more  people who are involved in the faith community–whether it be in prayer circles or mission trips or what have you–than me.  But what struck me on Facebook was a post from this old friend:

“amazing how when you’re in the right relationship with Jesus, he speaks to you all throughout the day. nice little spiritual check up… have you heard anything from Jesus lately?”

Here is where I roll my eyes.  Statements like this make me gag a little bit.  Anytime you mention “Jesus” in a conversation as anything but an expletive is just asking for derision.  But it’s a serious question for me once I get past the initial reaction: have I heard anything from God lately?

Well, if I’m going to be honest, the answer is no. I haven’t really heard much at all.  I suppose I think of prayer as recording a message on an answering machine–I talk about what I’m facing, whine about the world, ask for a little help and guidance, confess my guilt and confusion and then hang up.  A reply would be nice every now and  again, but it’s never in a way that you notice unless you’re actively looking for it.  Who honestly looks at something and declares “this must be God’s work”? And as much as the church promotes communication with God, insisting that you have a deep and personal connection to Christ, I still feel really remote.  I could ask for intervention from a saint of some sort, but I don’t have a strong connection with any of them either.

Which begs the question, what is my relationship with God?

I’m not sure what kind of relationship a Pagan has with his or her divinity.  But I realize now that I treat God as a therapist.  I rendezvous with him in Church on Sunday, sing songs and chat about problems, listen to what the message is, and leave. See you next week at the appointed time for the next hourly session.  If I pray during the week, I say a nightly prayer or a prayer of thanks before meals–the same prayers I’ve said since my childhood.  Lately I don’t even bother.  Most times I feel alone in the universe, and I feel like the most God can do is listen to my worries so I can let them go and go on with my life.

But as much as I feel alone, there are instances when I feel truly blessed by God.  I have an amazing friend who never lets me down, and lets me know that I am a wonderful person.  I have a little brother who loves me and misses me when I am at college.  I have an older brother who was distant, and has since rejoined our family in an active role.   My parents are amazing, and they pushed me–and because of that, I got a really good internship.  I have close friends who support me, friends who I am lucky to have.  Friends who I have met through coincidence, and who have–occasionally–shaped me to be a better and kinder person.

So maybe God is not my therapist, or my genie, or my guru.  It doesn’t mean that he’s not there.  Maybe I am a tree, supported by roots of friends and family, nourished by invisible nutrients and an underground aquifer–the source of all life.

Oh wow, that sounds cheezy. But it’s honest.  And sometimes the things that make you roll your eyes are the truest sentiments you can ask for.

-Nadia

1 Comment

« Older entries