Earth Spirit

Because I am a lazy bum who cannot be bothered to write more than one post, I was taking a look at Facebook.  In particular, I stumbled across a friend of mine from high school.  We had been involved in a number of plays, and although we were both Catholic, she was much more involved in faith activities than me.  In fact, I know a lot more  people who are involved in the faith community–whether it be in prayer circles or mission trips or what have you–than me.  But what struck me on Facebook was a post from this old friend:

“amazing how when you’re in the right relationship with Jesus, he speaks to you all throughout the day. nice little spiritual check up… have you heard anything from Jesus lately?”

Here is where I roll my eyes.  Statements like this make me gag a little bit.  Anytime you mention “Jesus” in a conversation as anything but an expletive is just asking for derision.  But it’s a serious question for me once I get past the initial reaction: have I heard anything from God lately?

Well, if I’m going to be honest, the answer is no. I haven’t really heard much at all.  I suppose I think of prayer as recording a message on an answering machine–I talk about what I’m facing, whine about the world, ask for a little help and guidance, confess my guilt and confusion and then hang up.  A reply would be nice every now and  again, but it’s never in a way that you notice unless you’re actively looking for it.  Who honestly looks at something and declares “this must be God’s work”? And as much as the church promotes communication with God, insisting that you have a deep and personal connection to Christ, I still feel really remote.  I could ask for intervention from a saint of some sort, but I don’t have a strong connection with any of them either.

Which begs the question, what is my relationship with God?

I’m not sure what kind of relationship a Pagan has with his or her divinity.  But I realize now that I treat God as a therapist.  I rendezvous with him in Church on Sunday, sing songs and chat about problems, listen to what the message is, and leave. See you next week at the appointed time for the next hourly session.  If I pray during the week, I say a nightly prayer or a prayer of thanks before meals–the same prayers I’ve said since my childhood.  Lately I don’t even bother.  Most times I feel alone in the universe, and I feel like the most God can do is listen to my worries so I can let them go and go on with my life.

But as much as I feel alone, there are instances when I feel truly blessed by God.  I have an amazing friend who never lets me down, and lets me know that I am a wonderful person.  I have a little brother who loves me and misses me when I am at college.  I have an older brother who was distant, and has since rejoined our family in an active role.   My parents are amazing, and they pushed me–and because of that, I got a really good internship.  I have close friends who support me, friends who I am lucky to have.  Friends who I have met through coincidence, and who have–occasionally–shaped me to be a better and kinder person.

So maybe God is not my therapist, or my genie, or my guru.  It doesn’t mean that he’s not there.  Maybe I am a tree, supported by roots of friends and family, nourished by invisible nutrients and an underground aquifer–the source of all life.

Oh wow, that sounds cheezy. But it’s honest.  And sometimes the things that make you roll your eyes are the truest sentiments you can ask for.

-Nadia